Beauty and Suffering, Starsky and Hutch: Matches Made in Heaven

A velvet creosote bush two miles from the U.S.-Mexico border.

Deserts are miraculous places. Constant reminders of how much suffering exists within and alongside beauty.

The southern borderlands' dry clear light and relentless winds tattoo us, exfoliating potential tears and sweat from skin. Sitting quietly, we become the busyness of acorn woodpeckers, yellow-rumped warblers, lesser goldfinches, Mexican jays, a whole host of diverse hummingbirds. Jumping chollas, saguaros, flowering yuccas and creosote create vast expanses and palettes of color.

These dualities seem even greater here in the U.S.-Mexican southwest, what Gloria Anzaldúa identified in 1987 as Borderlands/La Frontera. Subtitled The New Mestiza, this book was and is iconic to me as a queer, adopted person. It is a layered work of prose and poetry, dream and theory and identity, built on Anzaldúa's life as a Chicana, lesbian, activist and writer to remap the ways we understand false physical "borders" of nation into the psychic and cultural worlds in which we are alive together (see the new critical edition released in 2021 by Aunt Lute Books. I was lucky to interview Gloria in 1989 when I wrote about this book for a special edition of TRIVIA, A Journal of Ideas I co-edited with Lise Weil.).

First day in the borderlands, driving our rented gray Dodge Challenger "muscle car" we call "The Ghost" and jokingly referring to ourselves as Starsky and Hutch, we were pulled over by Border Patrol. The car does have a certain "look" that might in some minds contradict our own "look" of old lady white privilege. Our GPS had us turning in circles as we emerged from a birding preserve in a canyon where, it turned out, BP had been running an "immigration operation" for a couple of weeks.

They searched our trunk. 

My generous partner in crime (Hutch) with "The Ghost."

This beautiful, painful, arid place, where the Sierra Madres meet the Sonoran Desert, is a good place to find myself mid-Lenten season. According to the christian bible, Lent represents the part of the liturgical year in which Jesus fasts in the desert for 40 days, at the end of which, starving, he is tempted by the devil. Satan does his best to lure Jesus with the rewards white America loves best: reputation, power, possessions.

Birdwatching in the desert during Lent: intentionally stripping away distractions from suffering and reflecting on the beauty of our connections. What are your primary distractions? Social media? Food? Love and affection and sex? Work? Wealth? Privilege? Accumulation?

Like the vermillion flycatchers darting ceaselessly above the San Pedro river to feed themselves, or the hummingbirds who eat all day long, work is both my primary distraction and connections.

A vermilion flycatcher, one of many perched along the San Pedro.

It's as impossible to ignore the green-striped border patrol trucks at the mouth of practically every wash, the proliferation of state troopers in the medians, as it is the brightly colored birds. Law enforcement is heavy here, where the U.S. has built walls and fences across the frontier over which indigenous peoples once migrated freely. Where we attempt to keep out those suffering from the violence and starvation of our own banana republic policies and actions.

Nationalism, punishment, greed, a lack of mercy -- these are the sins of our national culture against the world we've been given to steward and to share. As a nation, have we failed these crucial tests?

And still, like birds: how can we keep from singing. For justice. For love.

#vermilionflycatcher

#riparian

#lafrontera

#borderlands

#newmestiza

#newblogpost

The Northeast Regional, Part II: Freight Trains and Junk Yards

American automotive wasteland, as seen from the Palmetto.

"The consequence of the projection of national sins, and specifically racism, onto one region is a mis-narration of history and American identity. The consequence of truncating the South and relegating it to a backwards corner is a misapprehension of its power in American history."

--Imani Perry
South to America: A Journey Below the Mason-Dixon to Understand the Soul of a Nation

It's still dark in NYC when I board the Palmetto for South Carolina.

The light emerges almost painfully slowly over the New Jersey marshes and petroleum plants.

By the time we hit Philadelphia, the car fills up. I am one of a small handful of White people on this train of 90+ souls headed south.

It's a 14 hour trip. I chose the railroad over flying for several reasons, the most important of which is that, simply put, flying has one of the biggest negative impacts on our environment.

Commercial air travel accounts for 3 to 4% of U.S. greenhouse gas emissions, and increasing demand for flights is outpacing efficiencies.

Yet still we feel, as White Americans do about so much, that our time is more valuable than the planet.

Off the soap box and onto the train! I'm on the train. I'm on the train. I'm still on the train, 15 hours later. Georgia O'Keefe said about her paintings, "Nobody sees a flower really; it is so small. We haven't time, and to see takes time - like to have a friend takes time."

I'm on my way to see friends. Traveling, like all else, suffers from (White American) demands for immediacy.

We are delayed outside of Richmond, first by a freight train -- Amtrak runs on heavy rail lines for this route -- and then a medical emergency, requiring a wait for EMS services before resuming. Again north of Charleston by a second freight. Freight owns these tracks.

American freight, Richmond, VA.

Another reason I chose the train is that flying swiftly over landscapes has always felt to me like an unnatural way to travel. My body misses participating in the geographical changes in color, topography, and climate that occur when we move across hundreds of miles.

The differences between Maine and NYC, or NYC and Charleston, SC are significant both geographically and culturally. They spin out on the other side of the glass as well as on the inside of the train. Freight trains marbled with graffiti. Flat, rolling farmland already dressed in bright spring green. Shadbush in bloom. Richer, warmer skin and vocal tones.

It's a pretty grim weather day, sporting heavy, low-hanging clouds that mute these shifting tones. By Fayetteville, NC rain splatters the windows.

You know that old saying about being on the "wrong side" of the tracks? Facts are being alongside the noise, vibration, and detritus of freight train tracks does not make for optimal locations, so when you're on the train you get a good look at the hidden underbelly of American culture, the places we live and work that you don't see on the internet.

If you've never questioned overconsumption and throw-away consumerism in the U.S., take the train south and keep your eye on the landscape.

In North Carolina, acres upon acres of automotive junk yards spool alongside the tracks. I am astonished, a little fascinated, saddened realizing I've not considered the fate of this centerpiece of American consumerism.

We have junkyards in Maine, too. They can be part of the re-use economy. I've prowled several of them years ago, when parts were more interchangeable and accessible to standard humans: gas caps. Doors. Mirrors. Fenders. Rocker panels. It's the scope, the broad expanses of these tumbled fields of our automotive detritus nestled along the tracks that shocks me.

Where will your vehicle end up when you are ready for a new one?

How much time are you willing (or able: still a privilege) to take to visit friends and family?

Will the changes in the ways the pandemic has helped me to see the world more slowly take root more largely in our cultures?

#autohell

#soulofamerica

#imaniperry

#slowtravel

#georgiaokeefe

#newblogpost

The Northeast Regional, Part I: Salt Ponds and Fog

The southeastern CT shore as viewed from
Amtrak's Northeast Regional.

I'm on the Northeast Regional from Boston to NYC. First time in two+ years of pandemic time. The Ides of March. Fingers crossed nothing goes wrong and I'll have no rationale -- say, a nuclear war started by Russia in Ukraine -- to run home prematurely.

This train service humps its way down the New England seaboard -- South Station, Back Bay, Rt 128, Providence, Westerly, Mystic, New London, Old Saybrook, New Haven, NYC. It rides the rails of the geography of my youth.

Boarding, I succumb to instinct and get a seat by the left-hand windows. As we run from downeast to southwest, these face the coast and the tracks run right along the shoreline.

I've driven down to Boston from Maine and already, by southern Maine, the coast has softened and by the time we get to to the salt marshes and broad rivers of CT it appears to me to be almost velvety in color, hue, and form. There is something so inviting and welcoming to me about those lengths of salt grass and cat tails and sand, the flat, calm, warmer horizon merging seamlessly into sky without the familiar border of granite teeth.

I get curious around Westerly RI. Even though I grew up on its beaches and in its restaurants and bars, house sitting here for my high school English teacher -- and even though, at 15, I was arrested here -- I realize I know little if any of its meaningful history. What I do know: that Stonington and Westerly high schools have one of the longest-running Thanksgiving Day football games in the nation (Bears vs. Bulldogs) -- that I think we never won during my tenure there?! -- and that there was a large Italian population (of which the cops were particularly comprised, at least in our urban myths).

When I look it up, I'm surprised and even a little delighted. Like where I now live, Westerly was historically a granite town -- maybe thus the Italians, as in Stonington, ME?! Not only that, but Westerly granite is known for its pinkish hue -- just like Deer Isle, famous for its pink tricolor.

Yet even more delightful are the salmon: “The Pawcatuck River flows on the western border of Westerly and was once renowned for its own species of Westerly salmon, three of which are on the town's official seal."

Its own unique species! We knew the river only as a state boundary, one we crossed fluidly and with regularity. It's short, only about 15 miles long, and flows into Little Narragansett Bay.

And the salt ponds. It's a wonder any of us survived weekends as teen agers driving in this area during the 1970's: drinking, smoking weed, driving through the inevitable fog. Driving into trees and cement block houses, going through windshields and losing too many lives.

But those beautiful large salt ponds, three in all, "serve as shallow, reef-like pools whose outer walls form the long, white beaches for which the town is renowned." These carry the names the land's original inhabitants bestowed upon them, and flow from my mouth in a round, familiar way that makes me homesick. Weekapaug. Misquamicut. Maschaug.

White America. Always driving into the fog, crashing, continuing on.

#StoningtonCT

#NortheastRegional

#Westerly

#Mystic

When Live is Live, and Why Live Matters

Lydia Diamond's adaptation for the stage
of Toni Morison's first novel.

My partner and creative collaborator and I ventured back into the world this weekend, taking in a live concert and two live theatrical productions. Huzzah! Each was magnificent. Our souls, our skins, our beings vibrated with the songs and words of others.

Let's talk for a moment about the power of "we all breathe the same air."

Let's let out a sigh of relief for the ability to do this safely, and for those who have ensure that: the scientists and their vaccines, the Biden administration and its focus on distribution and relief.

Let's humble ourselves -- just for a moment! -- in the sweet, anti-American mythology that each of us as individuals does NOT exist in our own pod of self-sufficient, bootstrapped being, but rather is dependent upon everyone before us and around us for who we are.

COVID, a potent symbol of this dependence, remains out there and we still want to reduce and halt community transmission and the variants it allows to develop.

We also want to heal the damage caused by social isolation.

We want to heal the damage to our hearts and souls by two years not experiencing live art together.

A fascinating new play at the
Central Square
Theater in Cambridge.

With luck, the pandemic has caused more U.S. residents to be aware of the elemental, crucial role live performance plays in our hearts, minds, souls and communities: in our shared humanity.

Truly, our crisis in culture -- the arts and humanities -- had been already building steadily in this country for decades pre-pandemic. TV's and even radios beamed entertainment directly to our homes long before the internet, eroding our need to venture into the dangers of the public domain.

Yet the performing arts, unlike TV, are not "just entertainment." When we are live in a room with others, we are not merely on a one-way road, consuming what is transmitted to us; or even in a two-way or multiple player super highway of electronic gaming. We are exchanging breath with the performers and other audience members. We are participating in the creation of that performance and experience.

The Isabella Stewart Gardner
Museum: the privilege of 
creating one's personal abode as
lavish performance-art-to-be-
experienced.

In fact, the role culture plays in our continuous development as human beings is a happy "withdrawal from utility," a delightful counter to the increasing transactionality and monetization of all things in our society: "art and thought are forms of activity that have no immediate end." (1) This is, of course, also why a liberal arts education is such important preparation (i.e., not "training) for the world of work and citizenship -- but that is a separate post.

I'll close this one by further referencing my "main woman" of political theory and philosophy, Hannah Arendt. In her essay, "The Crisis in Culture" (1968), Arendt argues that art is political: not in the ways it might speak directly to social justice and change but precisely because it is not a commodity and therefore requires us to gather in the commons where we must accommodate the perspectives of others.

More on the importance of "the commons" -- or the polis -- anon.

#ArtNotEntertainment

#StopConsuming

1. Julia Reinhard Lupton (2014) Hannah Arendt and the Crisis of the Humanities?, Political Theology, 15:4, 287-289, DOI:  10.1179/1462317X14Z.00000000085

My Life as a CNA #4: Our Fascinating Stories

Like many of you, I've become a little obsessed over the last few years with the mysteries presented by DNA connections and expanding Ancestry family trees. Like an Advent calendar, the little square photos of the digital tree open into unexpected narratives. There's so much we do not know even about those genetically related to us. Even those just a single generation removed.

And of course for me the mystery is doubled by my adoption. So I've got two trees going, with multiple collaborators: my beloved family of adoption, and the far more mysterious French-Canadian immigrants for whom I can thank my genes.

But the truth is the folx to whom we are actually related are only one surface of our multifaceted, glittering stories. I've yet to meet a single human whose story doesn't surprise and fascinate me. 

On my last day of clinicals at the hospital.
I'd just successfully fetched and learned how
and why to operate this Bladderscan machine.

Stories are one of the especially great aspects of being a nursing assistant. CNA life could, I guess, be called the opposite of glamorous (as many of you have pointed out in emphasizing it was fine for you as an entry-level teenager, but good to leave in that youthful past!) or well-rewarded. What CNA life IS is skilled -- the more you know about human psychology and the body, the better off you and all your residents will be -- AND an on-the-ground, direct caretaking profession that most often serves those with the least among us: the increasing number of U.S. citizens with dementia and its related diseases who end up in long-term residential care centers (i.e., nursing homes) because that is what our government safety net of Medicare and Medicaid will pay for.

My mom and...not my dad.
An unnamed soldier.

How we grow old and die is, sadly, very much about economics: which perhaps offers a more humane rationale on our "run-for-the-riches" U.S. dominant culture? I'm not going to conjecture further on this here; but I do know that everyone deserves to age and die with dignity which, for a majority of people, would be in their own homes. But that's not often how it comes down if you get to the end of your life with limited resources; and as 55 million Baby Boomers are expected to be diagnosed with some sort of dementia over the next 20 years.

As nursing assistants, we get to spend more time than any other professional with residents as we assist in feeding, toileting, bathing, grooming, ambulating -- and listening, and storytelling. The majority of folx in our care have been through many decades filled with experiences: childbirth, the deaths of spouses and children, school, travel, work, the challenges and diseases and traumas of poverty, sexism, racism, homophobia and more. Each one has a unique story so that by the end of every shift I feel I've been living in a new patchwork quilt of colorful, intriguing lives.

H. is 94 and tough as nails with the staff. But she looks like my grandma, and she is sweetly gruff with me. Her next door neighbor suffers from schizophrenia and bites and kicks and...is the staff favorite. Across the hall is a woman who has lived for 40 years off the grid and is now subject to the constant background noise of TV. In the skilled nursing wing, a man on hospice remains a voracious reader and paints images of lobster boats. His neighbor, only 66, is a former half-miler and confined to a racing wheelchair with early onset Parkinson's. On another wing is a 54-year-old disabled by obesity and a stroke who tells me, repeatedly, how difficult aging is (I didn't tell her my own age!). She's ended up here as a result of nowhere else to go and no way to care for herself; and is pretty mean with the staff out of her own lack of agency.

They are all (including the mean and desperate 54-year-old) fascinating. I adore them all. And the stories of their lives, and how those shape their current responses and choices, enrich me with every shift.

#CNALife

#caretaker

#mysteries

#storytelling